binglemumps

I got an invite to the Lich King beta!!!

Not that I’ve been playing much at all and not that I’ll have time for it in the next 3 weeks, but it’s nice to feel special =D

Today is our company’s yearly outing to a baseball game. I’ve skipped out on this the last 3 years because I don’t give a shit about baseball and I’m not interested in socialising with most people outside my department.

Last night we go out for drinks and these people keep asking me if I’m going to the ball game. And when I tell them no they give me the standard disappointed look and the obligatory why not. So I tell them the easiest reason I have - I don’t like baseball. Which is true. I really don’t f***ing like baseball. I guess I never tried to watch a game and I don’t know how it works, but I don’t really care to try. This is when people try to tell me, it’s not about baseball, it’s about hanging out and getting drunk.

At this point I’m just like … Leave me alone ok, if you REALLY want to know why I’m not going,  it’s because my personal time is so bloody precious, I’m not going to waste it doing something I don’t find interesting, especially not when none of the people I enjoy spending time with is even going to be there. And yes, that means that I just don’t find you in particular worth carving out my personal time for.

It turns out that I have to work all this weekend anyway. I like how people sometimes try to make it sound like it’s my fault that I have to work on weekends. It’s not my fault ok, and you’re not doing anything to help, so f*** off and go watch your stupid baseball. Jeez.

are actually really good when they’re fresh. The last time I had blueberries on their own I thought they were boring and tasteless, but I bought a quart of really fresh blueberries the other day to make blueberry cupcakes with (which, btw, turned out fantastic in my opinion) and had 85% of the blueberries leftover thereafter, a fraction of which I am currently consuming and greatly enjoying.

I was snooping around the blog of one of the analysts I work with, and it’s kinda scary how alike we are in some ways. Like how she collects all these quotes from conversations with her roommate (some of them are quite funny even to outsiders) and how she wishes she had more friends and how she likes cooking and how she likes to push herself and thrives under pressure (in a subconscious way, not like in a I-want-to-be-an-I-banker-life-in-the-fast-lane-woohoo! kinda way). She is a bit more emo than me, but I guess that is to be expected from such a young one.

So it’s probably no coincidence that I enjoy working with her a lot, because her attitude towards work is also a lot like mine. Except that she’s a lot better at filing and less afraid of asking questions. People tell me sometimes that I should make her the new me, to which my gut response is always - NO I WANT TO BE SPECIAL. What kind of compliment is that anyway, when you tell me that someone is really good, ‘just like me’. Haven’t you heard that everyone likes to be unique? Anyway, in spite of my childish behaviour I have come to realise that imparting knowledge takes a great deal of effort and practice and is something that I’m not terribly good at. So if under my tutelage (because I have come to see her development as a personal special project!) she blossoms into an analyst as good as me (and I am, of course, very very good!), I will consider it nothing short of a monumental achievement.

So today I brought some blueberry cupcakes to work (yes we have returned to the cupcakes) and one of my coworkers told me I should stop spending so much free time baking and go out and get some sun. This particular guy has a penchant for making presumptuous statements like that. The first thought that ran through my head was boohoo I have no friends to go out with, which was quickly followed by, actually, I am just too damn lazy. The days I do have something else to do, I don’t really feel like doing it.

And seriously, I just feel like I don’t have time. On Saturday I have to sleep 10-12 hours (yes, I have to, this is non-negotiable), then I go grocery shopping and the gym, and then it’s time to cook dinner, then I shower and watch some anime and it’s 12 and I have to sleep so I can wake up before noon the next day. On Sundays I go to People’s for a bagel, and I study/work for a few hours, sometimes go grocery shopping and the gym again, do laundry, and bang it’s time to cook dinner. Where got time to go out?? Plus, weekends are for chilling, you know? I’m so bloody stressed out during the week already, I don’t want to spend my weekend rushing about trying to DO things. Sometimes I just want to Not Do.

Anyway, sun very good meh?? Too much sun will get skin cancer know or not?? Tamade. Bet he was jealous cos the cupcakes had a cream cheese frosting that he’s allergic to so he couldn’t have any. WELL THEY WERE DAMN GOOD CUPCAKES SO THERE.

Today we had a pub quiz at work and my team did not fare anywhere near as well as we hoped. Boo. I’m just at 0 when it comes to sports, I’m terrible at history, and when you come right down to it I’m just too damn fobby to do well in an American quiz. I am, however, quite proud to say that I smashed the dingbats round in 3 minutes. If they hadn’t given us such a ridiculously long time with that round I bet we’d have been the only team with more than 5 points. Pffffffffffffffft.

Anyway, one of the categories was famous quotes, which inspired me to come home and Google up some Oscar Wilde quotes. There’re actually a good number of really funny ones, so I’m going to post one every entry now till I run out. This one made me laugh out loud for real:

 ’America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.’

Today we were having drinks after work, when my intern mentioned that I’m teaching him how to write emails (it’s an ongoing joke of ours), to which one of the consultants responded that she thought I am and have always been a really good writer. I was pretty damn happy to hear that because she’s someone I respect immensely, and it’s probably the first time she’s directly complimented me on something specific (and because I’m still an 8 year old at heart I love compliments =p)

I do think that I’m a lot more anal than most people when it comes to writing, even if it’s just a short email and even though I know that most of my emails are glossed over, if read at all. I just can’t let it pass until I’m satisfied with the way the whole thing sounds. That’s also why I get so lazy about updating my journal sometimes, because it’s so much effort to reread and rephrase stuff (although I’ve been trying hard to kick the habit of analness so that I’ll write more often). Anyway, I think a lot of it has to do with all this blogging over the last 10+ years, inconsistent as it has been. Who would have thought that such a whimsical half-hobby would actually have some business value?

Sometimes I think that I would have been a decent writer, except that I have 0 imagination. It’s not like I haven’t tried to write before. I just fail miserably because I have no original ideas. It’s sad. The fact that I’m not a creative person is something I’ve come to terms with a long time ago, but it’s still sad.

So I went back and read some of my old journal entries, from back when I was in college. Gawd what an emo pile I was. I guess you really outgrow it. These days I just get stressed out, but I’m never really melancholy or angsty or upset about nothing specific. I sorta miss it. Sniff.

In other news, the reason we were having drinks after work today was that the practice leader found out I’d pass my exam and decided to hold an impromptu happy hour. I think most people were more excited when I told them I’d pass, than I was when I found out about it. After weeks of checking my email a few times a day, all I could think of when I saw the results was Final Effin Ly. Oh well. I’m sure the moment when I get to append the letters A-S-A to my name will be absolutely awesome.

I’m attending a baby shower this weekend. I’ve never been to one before. What the heck do people do at baby showers? Apparently you’re supposed to shower the prospective mother with presents, but we shared a group gift so I’m not sure how long we can extend the showering.

I got my Les Miserables soundtrack (10th anniversary concert version) today. I wanted one for years after I saw the musical in 1996 but could never afford it, and last weekend I finally decided to do it. Les Mis is one of those things that I think had a significant impact on my perspective. Not sure why since I can’t exactly identify with rebel French students and street urchins, but I liked Eponine’s character so much that I told myself I’d never be depressed, because her life sucked and she still managed to be all positive. Seriously, of all things to get that kinda inspiration from, but whatever works I guess.

I’m starting to babble. These days my brain switches off the moment I don’t have to do work, regardless of what time it is.

I’ve conclusively decided that Christian Bale is my TV boyfriend. I never had a singular favourite until now. But I’ve thought he was super cute ever since I saw him in Empire of the Sun (even though he was only 13 in that movie!!), and he sealed the deal when he got cast as my favourite superhero. Now I have to go Netflix all his movies so that I can qualify as a True Fan!

I got my midyear feedback today and I was kinda demoralised. People said lots of good things of course, but all the good comments are getting old. It almost makes me feel like I haven’t made any progress in the last 3 years. Then there were the usual ‘opportunities for improvement’ (which, incidentally, is one of the most pretentious phrases ever invented) which I’ve also got used to seeing. But there was one particularly incisive comment that left me feeling kinda inadequate.

It’s not that I resented it. In fact, it was one of the most constructive criticisms I’ve ever received and something that will actually help me improve in a substantial way. And I know that whoever wrote it was not at all implying that I wasn’t doing a good job; it was really a suggestion on how I should be working when I move to the next level. It made me feel crappy because it reminded me of how many things I still need to learn. I need to be on top of everything. I need to make sure things get done on time. I need to delegate (btw one of my sore spots). I need to learn when to ask for help. I need to learn when not to ask for help and make independent decisions. I need to catch up on things I should know after 3 years of work experience, but don’t know because my client assignments were improbably skewed in a stupid way. I need to have good work-life balance so I can be a good role model to people around me (yah seriously wtf, that is the least of my concerns right now). I look at the people I work with and I want to be all the good things I admire about them, but it is a lot and I don’t know how to get there.

It really sucks because I’ve been working my ass off and I think I’m doing a good job but suddenly it feels like it’s not enough. I feel guilty when I’m not working because there’s so much I need to do. Then I feel guilty that I’m working so much because I should be managing things properly and delegating more and maybe stop being stubborn and give up a client (although it comforts me a little that I went over my client list with my supervisor today and after half an hour we came to the conclusion that I can’t get off any of my clients at this point, i.e. I don’t have to feel bad about not giving anything up, which is a pretty ridiculous chain of thought when you think about it).

And it hella annoys me when people tell me I should be delegating more. Every day I go over my list of to-dos a few times and try to figure out if there’s anything on it I can delegate. I am well aware of the pros and cons to all parties involved if I delegate vs if I don’t. Don’t f***ing tell me everything can be delegated. OF COURSE everything can be delegated. I don’t need to be told that 1923810 times. But (a) if I’ve delegated something ALREADY and I’m supposed to review it wtf am I supposed to do, delegate the review to someone else and review the review?? (b) how am I supposed to delegate something if I don’t even know how to do it myself?? (c) does it make sense to delegate something when it comes in this afternoon and needs to be done by tomorrow morning and it’ll take twice as much time just to explain it to someone as it’ll take for me to do it myself, especially when the corresponding benefit to said person’s learning experience will be negligible compared to the costs?

Pfffffffffft. Man it feels good to type a long string of disgruntled text. Actually I’m really grateful that my supervisor is who she is. After going over all the things I should be doing (like work-life balance hah) she conceded that actual implementation is just not that easy. She was in the same situation back when she was in my position, and she worked harder than anyone else for a long time before she got out of it, so she understands my problems perfectly.

So anyway, I was going home from work today feeling all sad, then the lady who was cleaning the floor in the Bart station was unnecessarily mean to me. I hate people who are unnecessarily mean. So many things in life are inevitably hard as it is, why make it worse for someone else when there are 0 benefits involved? Then I got on the train, and this guy stood up and gave me his seat even though I said it was ok, and it made me really happy. That’s why I try to do nice things sometimes. Such a small gesture can do so much to make someone’s day better. Why not? I wanted to tell him that what he did had a far greater effect than just providing me with 15 minutes of sitting, that little things can make a difference. But then I didn’t want to look like a nutcase. Oh well.

I had more work to do but now that I’ve expended all my energy complaining about work I think I’ll just forget it and go to bed.

SYTYCD is on tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Last week someone at work emailed the office and said that he had Death Cab for Cutie tickets on Saturday night at the Greek Theater, so - mistakenly believing that they must have sold out - I impulsively replied and said I would take them. Then Ian ditches me the night before the concert and I end up going alone cos I decide not to be wimpy and lame.

I spend the whole concert imagining (or not) that people are giving me funny looks because I’m sitting on my patch of grass with my plastic cup of lemonade all by myself. I also eavesdrop on the group of chatty Asian American guys sitting next to me that talk about girls like they’re in high school even though at least one of them is apparently old enough to have graduated with an MBA at some point (more reason to believe that anyone can get an MBA). Also silently cursing the group of morons in front of me who blow cigarette smoke in my face and my general vicinity all night. Like jeez, I can deal with the smell of weed, but if you want to kill yourself with cigarettes please leave me out of your damn stupidity.

Anyway, in spite of all that, I really enjoyed myself. They played a lot of their older stuff and I’d spent the last few days doing the pre-concert cram on their latest album, so I ended up recognising most of the songs. A lot of their music is too emo for my taste, but I think good concerts make you walk away wanting to go home and immediately listen to not just the songs you already liked, but the songs you thought were completely mediocre before. And Transatlanticism is soooo good live! Made me all teary. Sniff.

Then today I went to the free Alice 97.3 concert at Golden Gate Park. I went with SW and her coworker who really wanted good seats, so we got there about 2 hours before it started. We did get really good spots near the stage, but as the day progressed more and more people started invading the spots between the picnic blankets in front of us and ruined our view. Bastards. 90% of them were either tall teenage boys with spiky hair that looked retarded but was very effective at getting in the way of pictures, or screaming teenage girls who wouldn’t stop talking and tromped all over our picnic blanket with their shoes. GAH. As you can tell, these concerts have done nothing to lessen my enmity towards the general public.

I was there to see Lifehouse, but there were 4 other bands/artistes that played - Secondhand Serenade, Marie Digby, The Last Goodnight and Ingrid Michaelson. Thanks to Real Rhapsody, I’d spent the last week acquainting myself with these heretofore unheard of people, but it was pretty much in vain. They were entertaining enough, but I emerged from the concert without much of an urge to  download any of their music. How sad is that, if you perform live and it was so unimpressive that you can’t even motivate someone to turn on their web browser and search for a torrent of your CD.

Lifehouse was really good though. I’d forgotten how much I liked their first album because everything that came after that was so uninteresting. Or maybe I’m just biased because Jason Wade is so hot. Unfortunately, according to Wikipedia he’s been married for 7 years. My life is over!!!!

So now I’m all psyched and in concert going mode. Before Saturday, my last concert was probably over 2 years ago. Goodness knows what I missed!

So on top of not being good at talking to strangers, the latest flaw I’ve discovered about myself is that I’m a real judgmental bitch. I mean, I always knew I was a judgmental bitch. But the realisation just struck me again recently, how I’m generally so unimpressed by people (especially people on Bart. And even more especially people on Bart on weekends. I HATE Weekend Barters. Here I am trying to get to work on a Sunday and there you are taking my seat cos you’re going to some stupid ball game. Gawd. Get off my turf already.)

It’s really hard for me to like people. I kinda forgot that for a while cos I’ve been liking everyone at work. But the Judgmental Bitch has now resurfaced. It’s so irrational. Even if I manage to rationalise it I can’t tell if it’s really because of the rational reason or if I just don’t like the person’s face.

But then that’s why I’m really nice to the people I like. And when I like someone I usually like them a lot. Cos they’re just so hard to find, you know? I always thought I was an easily amused person (I know py thinks so!!!) but then there aren’t that many people I meet who really make me laugh. Being funny is such an underrated feature. I think if you’re funny you can get away with so many things. But if you’re not funny you damn well better be making it up with every other aspect of your existence.

I’ve completely digressed. I miss my friends. I miss my coworkers who quit and went on vacation. I wallow in self pity. Boohoo.

I went to a client meeting today, one of my firsts, and realised that I’m completely incapable of making grown up conversation. It’s not just that I can’t think of interesting stories to tell, it’s that I don’t even know how to respond sometimes when someone says something that isn’t particularly interesting to me.

After the meeting we went to dinner and I was forced to stand around for an hour + while being largely excluded from the various conversations going on around the room. I was the most junior person there and by faaaaar more junior than anyone on the client side. I just don’t know how to schmooze. I can’t just go up to the CFO or whoever and get all chummy and crack jokes etc. And I’m definitely terrible at talking to people close to retirement age.

I must appear utterly boring and opinion-less to people I don’t know very well. Can I get through life like this???? Is my career doomed????