binglemumps

I got my midyear feedback today and I was kinda demoralised. People said lots of good things of course, but all the good comments are getting old. It almost makes me feel like I haven’t made any progress in the last 3 years. Then there were the usual ‘opportunities for improvement’ (which, incidentally, is one of the most pretentious phrases ever invented) which I’ve also got used to seeing. But there was one particularly incisive comment that left me feeling kinda inadequate.

It’s not that I resented it. In fact, it was one of the most constructive criticisms I’ve ever received and something that will actually help me improve in a substantial way. And I know that whoever wrote it was not at all implying that I wasn’t doing a good job; it was really a suggestion on how I should be working when I move to the next level. It made me feel crappy because it reminded me of how many things I still need to learn. I need to be on top of everything. I need to make sure things get done on time. I need to delegate (btw one of my sore spots). I need to learn when to ask for help. I need to learn when not to ask for help and make independent decisions. I need to catch up on things I should know after 3 years of work experience, but don’t know because my client assignments were improbably skewed in a stupid way. I need to have good work-life balance so I can be a good role model to people around me (yah seriously wtf, that is the least of my concerns right now). I look at the people I work with and I want to be all the good things I admire about them, but it is a lot and I don’t know how to get there.

It really sucks because I’ve been working my ass off and I think I’m doing a good job but suddenly it feels like it’s not enough. I feel guilty when I’m not working because there’s so much I need to do. Then I feel guilty that I’m working so much because I should be managing things properly and delegating more and maybe stop being stubborn and give up a client (although it comforts me a little that I went over my client list with my supervisor today and after half an hour we came to the conclusion that I can’t get off any of my clients at this point, i.e. I don’t have to feel bad about not giving anything up, which is a pretty ridiculous chain of thought when you think about it).

And it hella annoys me when people tell me I should be delegating more. Every day I go over my list of to-dos a few times and try to figure out if there’s anything on it I can delegate. I am well aware of the pros and cons to all parties involved if I delegate vs if I don’t. Don’t f***ing tell me everything can be delegated. OF COURSE everything can be delegated. I don’t need to be told that 1923810 times. But (a) if I’ve delegated something ALREADY and I’m supposed to review it wtf am I supposed to do, delegate the review to someone else and review the review?? (b) how am I supposed to delegate something if I don’t even know how to do it myself?? (c) does it make sense to delegate something when it comes in this afternoon and needs to be done by tomorrow morning and it’ll take twice as much time just to explain it to someone as it’ll take for me to do it myself, especially when the corresponding benefit to said person’s learning experience will be negligible compared to the costs?

Pfffffffffft. Man it feels good to type a long string of disgruntled text. Actually I’m really grateful that my supervisor is who she is. After going over all the things I should be doing (like work-life balance hah) she conceded that actual implementation is just not that easy. She was in the same situation back when she was in my position, and she worked harder than anyone else for a long time before she got out of it, so she understands my problems perfectly.

So anyway, I was going home from work today feeling all sad, then the lady who was cleaning the floor in the Bart station was unnecessarily mean to me. I hate people who are unnecessarily mean. So many things in life are inevitably hard as it is, why make it worse for someone else when there are 0 benefits involved? Then I got on the train, and this guy stood up and gave me his seat even though I said it was ok, and it made me really happy. That’s why I try to do nice things sometimes. Such a small gesture can do so much to make someone’s day better. Why not? I wanted to tell him that what he did had a far greater effect than just providing me with 15 minutes of sitting, that little things can make a difference. But then I didn’t want to look like a nutcase. Oh well.

I had more work to do but now that I’ve expended all my energy complaining about work I think I’ll just forget it and go to bed.

SYTYCD is on tomorrow!!!!!!!!